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Dec 01, 2017 8:14 pm

4chan: Why is Kare Kano anime underated?

Smutty was on 4chan's /a/ today and they were talking about the Kare Kano (1998-99) anime, otherwise known as His and Her Circumstances. It had 26 episodes, directed by Hideaki Anno of Neon Genesis Evangelion fame.

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Dec 01, 2017 4:44 pm

Smutty Review: Wizards (1977)

Smutty is frequently talking about Heavy Metal (1981), which is a man's film if there ever was one. Before that gem saw the screen, there was Wizards (1977).

Richard Romanus, who voiced Harry Canyon in HM, happens to play the elf Weehawk in Wizards. What makes this movie special though, is that it is a Ralph Bakshi creation.

Bakshi is a master of animation, one who strayed from the crowd but still managed to stay in business. Wizards, like his other work, is cartoon-for-adults, a concept that Americans have always struggled with. It is full of violence, among other things, such as the opening act's three mutant prostitutes. (Should they sue the Kardashians for stealing their act?!)

So there are two brothers, the noble wizard Avatar and the mutated dark wizard Blackwolf. They have been this way since can tell by their flashback baby faces. Now thousands of years later, Blackwolf, evil as hell, is determined to take over Avatar's kingdom, but the plan does not work out at first. That is when Bakshi grants the wizard what — to him as a Jew — is the ultimate evil. Behold the Fuhrer arises!

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Nov 29, 2017 6:12 pm

Most Regretable Shames Related to Batman TAS

How many of us have special childhood memories related to Batman: The Animated Series? I was there on Saturday morning, Sept. 5, 1992, when "The Cat and the Claw: Part I" aired on Fox, and it was undoubtedly a monumental moment for those who loved the genre. Here was a dark, brooding, bone-crunching animated show being aired on kids tv, a rarity approached only by a select few programs from the 1980s, and definitely now alone in its class. The title cards, the music, the voice actors, and perhaps most of all the scripts, were all top-notch, with credit largely due to Bruce Timm, Paul Dini, and other masterminds of the production. It was as if one of us were in charge, rather than some marketing bimbos who were simply trying to make money.

Ironically, Batman TAS did have quite a bit of financial success, as the quality of the show was so great as to overcome the huge obstacle of appealing to an American audience, without resorting to mindless episodes about high school prom dates or the mundane life of a wise-cracking family. Batman TAS actually made it to primetime on Fox and ran all the way to 85 episodes, the last of which was aired on Sept. 15, 2015. The first 65 were in the original style, and the last 20 episodes were the slightly-altered The Adventures of Batman & Robin (aka the second season). On Christmas Day 1993, a film titled Batman: Mask of the Phantasm was released in theaters.

With all the respect that this show achieved among animation gurus, its struggle against the national culture was lamentable. Highlighted below are a few of the many shameful outcomes of the regretable circumstance that this work originated in the US.

1. Exquisite Score...No Releases until 2008
Every episode of Batman TAS had unique themes, and most of them were incredibly lovable, the kind you would want to listen to over and over. Yet, American companies were too busy releasing Jock Rock and raps by NBA basketball players to release music from a rare entertainment production of quality that originated on their soil. Finally, 13 years after the last episode aired, a company named La La Land Records took the initiative to release the scores. Of course, if Batman TAS had been a Japanese series, there would have been between five to twenty cds released, at a time when the show was still largely active on the public's mind.

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Nov 26, 2017 9:54 am

Smutty Review: Mariah Carey's All I Want for Xmas

Being the family-clown-snake that I am, Smutty is here for you this holiday season to review Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You (2017). A lot of kids will be watching this movie about the old fat lady who is reminiscing about her childhood. It is not that they will know much about Mariah Carey, a washed-up singer whose orgasm-tones pulled the money in for pop songs back in our day.

What will attract today's kids is that it is another cgi (cheaply generated imagery) flick, just like the Pixar ones that they make you pay $15 dollars a ticket for in theatres. This one is a Blu-ray/DVD/Digital release and therefore even more likely to invade your home quickly.

As you might expect, All I Want for Christmas Is You is an egotistical film by the self-obsessed Carey. She has tried this before, with her 2001 film Glitter which bombed at the box office. The film made only $5 million in theatres and has a rating of just 2.2/10 on IMDB.

This time she took what perhaps was a surer path to more money. She cloned the story of the popular Christmas film Elf (2003), substituting an ugly dog named Jack for an ugly actor named Will Ferrell.

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Nov 19, 2017 10:15 am

Women's Basketball, Scandals and Toxic Lesbianism

Smutty knows as well as you that women's basketball and carpet-munching go hand-in-lesbian-hand. Former Stanford basketball star Candice Wiggins confirmed it earlier this year. As published by The San Diego Union-Tribune, Wiggins claimed that 98 percent of the WNBA American professional basketball league was gay. She also claimed that, simply because she was heterosexual, she was treated horribly by the other players during her 8-year career.

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Dec 03, 2013 5:47 pm

X-Men Memories, Before They Went Hollywood (aka Gay)

When Smutty was a kid, he didn't have enough money to buy comic books. So, while momma clown was shopping at the grocery store, I would read every one in the magazine rack...or at least look at the pictures.

That was late 80s. Next came the 1990 Marvel Universe Series 1 Trading Cards. For the first time, Smutty saw this guy with claws named Wolverine, and thought that he looked like he could make some real violence (if justice required it of course). I was an instant fan. Unlike Captain America, Spiderman, Hulk, and all the others who I had seen on tv a million times, there was something underground and edgy about Wolverine. Not many of Smutty's friends even knew who Wolverine was.

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Jul 04, 2013 8:57 pm

Before Hetalia, KOF '94 Hated on Everybody's Nationality

Before Hetalia: Axis Powers stereoytyped everyone's ass in manga and anime, King of Fighters '94 took their subtle shots on the NEO GEO. The concept of this first edition of the KOF series was that a team of 3 characters were assigned to each country. Each battle was fought on one team's home turf, with a nation-specific background to give us cultural learnings.

Mai Shiranui is fighting for England, which makes no sense since she was born in Japan. USA hilariously has a basketball player and football player. Looks like three big dumb Americans.

The USA environment just makes you want to visit doesn't it? A smoking hobo, two hugging homos, a pimp announcer, broken down cars, graffiti, etc. At least the twin towers look nice and sturdy back there!

In Mexico, the mariachi band plays their drunken hearts out while the hombres and senoritas around them go loco! What is this, a NEO GEO stage or a Phoenix Suns game on the Mexican-ass kissing promotion night?

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Jun 08, 2013 10:15 pm

Smutty Review: Superman: Unbound (2013)

Released straight to DVD and Blu-Ray on May 7, 2013, the Superman: Unbound movie is another stab at an adult-oriented DC animated movie, actually the 16th stab.

So Smutty goes into this hoping that it will be another classic animated film for him to cherish for a lifetime, but he is a little worried at the same time. After all this is 2013, and this is the United States, and most every movie that is made can't help but be polluted by the culture.

The opening credits are cringe-worthy, cause of the mutilation not because of a poor quality scene, but then wouldn't you know it...Lois Lane. That smirking sarcastic bitch that we had to listen to in Superman TAS, otherwise a truly classic and beautiful show, is at it again. The first three things she says are: 1) "Thanks I'd hate to miss the view", 2) "Occupational hazard!", and 3) "So what are you guys angling for, life in prison or blaze of glory?". All sarcastic phrases that just remind Smutty how much he hated her dialogue from Superman TAS.

At this point, there is lots of violence going on and the art and character designs are great, so the annoying speaking parts can be overlooked. The art is the most important aspect of any movie to Smutty, and this film comes through with lots of beautiful frames from the ice crystals to the pigs in smallville. Also, the Kandor battle, inside Brainiac's ship, the end battle in the congo or wherever that was supposed to be, and pretty much the entire movie is well-animated. It's traditional animation supplemented by cgi, the way it should be.

I was hoping I could make it through this entire movie without hearing "Really?", "I know right?", or "Yeah Yeah Yeah!". That lasted about 30 minutes when Superman's first spoken words to Brainiac are, "Really? Put yourself in the center of the galaxy. Little ego-centric aren't we?".

It doesn't sound as bad as you would think when he says it. At least not as bad as Supergirl when she says, "They were bullies. Bullies should be punished".

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May 23, 2013 4:53 pm

Smutty Review: LEGO Batman: The Movie (2013)

LEGO Batman The Movie! America's undying ambition of making a Batman movie in every medium imaginable just took a new turn. Actually, Smutty sort of liked this, for the huge mecha Joker if nothing else.

The intro wasted 2 minutes of my life, just pannin' around the Batman logo. The Danny Elfman Batman theme is used, but unlike Mask of the Phantasm (1993) or Return of the Joker (2000), it has no noticable variation. I'm pretty sure that it's the exact same damn song from the '91 Burton movie.

The next scene isn't much better. It appears to us that Superman is hit with Kryptonite before he can do shit, and even worse Batman gets a crate planted on his ass after his weapons malfunction. It's like something out of f'ckn looney toons.

Thankfully this is a movie that gets better as it goes. Before long, you have all the gotham villains on screen and fightin' the ambiguously straight duo of Batman and Robin. So why the ruse? It's because the Joker wants to steal Bruce Wayne's man of the year trophy of course.

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Apr 06, 2013 8:05 am

Moss Moment: Zinging Howie Long about Steroid Abuse

In this article, we relive a classic moment from the mold-shattering football career of Randy Moss.

Howie Long, a former NFL brute turned football "analyst", had apparently made a number of silly, false statements about Randy Moss over the last few years. So, in classic Randy Moss fashion, the rebuttal came on Monday, October 9, 2006, as Moss talked to Fox Sports radio.

    He had his turn when he played. Of course, I know he's an analyst and it's his job to stir up controversy, but for him to take a shot at me and say that I don't have a passion for the game, I love the game. If I don't have that much passion, you tell his [butt] to come out here and put on some pads on and go at me.

For Howie Long to say something like that is kind of bad because he knows, as a former NFL player, what it takes to get up for a game every Sunday. You got to practice week in and week out. Back in them days, he was probably popping pills and tablets and all that to get them up and going.

But nowadays with the drug testing policies and the performance-enhancing policy, then it's hard for a player to just go out there with just himself and go out there week in and week out.

Long replied, "If Randy wants to know what I was about in my 13 years as a Raider, and I'm a proud Raider, all he has to do is walk upstairs to the coach's office because I had the privilege of playing with and for Art Shell."

At first glance, it might look like Moss answered a false accusation with another false accusation, but let us delve deeper into the subject of Howie Long and steroids.

Howie Long played defensive line for the Raiders from 1981 to 1993. When, he joined the league, he was tutored by Lyle Alzado, the larger-than-life, veteran defensive lineman who played for the Raiders from 1982-1985. Alzado had been a force in the NFL since 1971 and took Long under his wing, winning the Comeback Player of the Year award in 1982.

After Alzado retired following the 1985 season, tragedy struck in the form of brain cancer and Alzado passed away at the age of 43. However, before he died, he wanted to tell everyone not to make the same fatal mistake that he made...excessive steroid use.

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Mar 29, 2013 10:07 pm

The Smut List: George Lucas "No Mere Kubrick" and More!!!

    After the Academy snubbed Jake Loyd for his lighthearted yet poignant portrayal in which he was able to deliver a performance that foreshadowed the heavy handed evil and lent credibility the future Darth Vader's eventual turn away from the Sith teaching... they lost all credibility with me.

Is anyone actually surprise that they snubbed the most objectively brilliant writer and director in all of time and history? ... George Lucas is no mere Kubrick, no petty Coppola, no amateurish Bergman...

The accomplishments of the entire film industry are left wanting when compared to any single scene from the least of his movies...

The Academy members are clearly jealous, and have obviously conspired, over the years, to give awards only to people that are objectively George Lucas's artistic inferiors just to put him in his place.

- KilroyMcFadden, Mar 3, 2013, TheForce.Net Jedi Council Forums

That was almost as funny as when pompous-ass Spielberg was quoted with saying that Lucas' TXH 1138 made him "jealous to the innermost of his being".

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Mar 24, 2013 5:11 pm

A Survey of Japanese Super Famicom Games Part 1

Nintama Rantaro 3

Naruhodo! The World

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