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The Great American Cultural Skill of Watching

Jan 03, 2014 6:51 am
ProfessorWinston By ProfessorWinston
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The average American may be fat and lazy, but research now shows that these defects may simply be the price paid for acquiring a more important skill...watching.

Yes, in the enlightened modern United States, the citizens have a wealth of knowledge ranging from the latest special-effects-laden feature film to the 15-season-long sitcom about idiots living their bland every day lives. This high brow culture is captured forever in HD video, so that the art may be passed on through the ages. There is little doubt that the wit of Two and A Half Men will inspire many for years to come and one day be held in the same esteem as the Greek plays of antiquity.

Those sages who are the very most cultured, who for example have seen the most Michael Bay movies, are enshrined in monuments as legends. There is currently an ongoing effort to create a $122,500 life-size statue of the late film critic Roger Ebert, which will feature him sitting on his bronze ass in a theater seat giving a thumps up! It will be sedentarily stationed forever in Champaign, IL, where the annual Ebertfest is held, so that aspiring watchers can admire their hero.

Other famous American watchers include the NFL Gameday crew at ESPN, who have dedicated their lives to watching film of every game from every angle imaginable. This endeavor allows them to tell us that players like the now retired Randy Moss did not run NFL-quality routes, despite the fact that he scored over 150 NFL touchdowns, more than the career totals of that show's analysts combined.

Watching empowers others to the extent that they acquire the ability to coach professional sports teams, even though they themselves probably could have never made the cut on a girls' middle school team, or at least never did on a pro team. Who better to instruct Lebron James than Erik Spoelstra and who better to run a New York NFL Football team than a fat, pompous coach's son like Rex Ryan?

For every famous watcher, there are thousands of lesser known watchers. These passionate sheep develop such a passion for intellectual content like The Fast and the Furious that the death of an actor brings them to tears and causes mass acts of nonsense such as "burning rubber" next to where their fantasy loverboy Paul Walker died. These are the types who might even care what Al Franken thinks about politics or what Eva Longoria says about the minimum wage. Seeing these monkeys on screen has the effect of mind-raping some of the pitiful, weak-minded watchers into believing that acting ability translates to intellectual prowess.

Beyond the aficionados of $1 dvd movies and the Redbox cultural exchange, every good American community is filled with sports watchers, like the moms and dads who live vicariously through their son's pee-wee football games or their daughter's lesbian-bond-forming lacrosse matches. Then, there are always the wise elders of the community who have wasted so much of their lives watching sports that they can tell you which college beat which in the 1969 toilet bowl. The elderly often use sports to assert their misguided know-it-all self image, using such phrases as "I've been following this team since before you were born". Sadly, many of these lifelong losers have now made it to the internet and are polluting the various team forums. We must remember that we can learn a lot of critical life knowledge from the elderly, like which '53 team threw the ball through the hoop the most times and how they were a high school star before they peaked out at the age of 17.

Perhaps the foremost example of watchers might be the preachy mass blog sites that we have been gifted with in the hash tag era. One of the most egregious is the "Sports and Pop Culture" site Grantland, headed by Bill Simmons with his army of like-minded watchers. They are big on Shia LaBeouf and reality tv shows, not so much on God or capitalism. It's always good to go there and get some ethical doctrine from these geniuses. Linked from the front page, Grantland is yet a step below their usual tasteless content.

If I, Professor Winston, were trying to convince a student to not become a leftist, I would start by showing them sites like Grantland and Slate Magazine. We would then watch any given 10 minutes of CNN, followed by a few random YouTube videos on Anderson Cooper, Michael Moore, Nancy Pelosi, and Elizabeth Warren. Seeing the human embodiments and adult realizations of that ideology should be sufficient to turn even the most left-leaning teen. I know because, after watching Anderson Cooper on Channel One, I saw the hideousness of leftism in so clear a light that I determined never to turn back. I suppose "watching" can give some benefit after all.

Professor Winston is a senior fellow at BOCU, an imaginary university that he invented when printing out his paper B.A. and Ph.D. degrees. His main focus is history, philosophy, economics, and trying to get the undergrad bitches to sleep with him or use his tail for sex acts.

More articles from Professor Winston:
Clowntable Discussion: #MeToo...or just #SheToo?
Glances at Prussian History
Clowntable Discussion: Is it Okay to be Gay?
The Second Reich is Forged
Clowntable Discussion: Super Bowl XLVIII Preview and...Tebow FTW!

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