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Smutty Review: Superman: Unbound (2013)

Jun 08, 2013 10:15 pm
Smutty By Smutty
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Released straight to DVD and Blu-Ray on May 7, 2013, the Superman: Unbound movie is another stab at an adult-oriented DC animated movie, actually the 16th stab.

So Smutty goes into this hoping that it will be another classic animated film for him to cherish for a lifetime, but he is a little worried at the same time. After all this is 2013, and this is the United States, and most every movie that is made can't help but be polluted by the culture.

The opening credits are cringe-worthy, cause of the mutilation not because of a poor quality scene, but then wouldn't you know it...Lois Lane. That smirking sarcastic bitch that we had to listen to in Superman TAS, otherwise a truly classic and beautiful show, is at it again. The first three things she says are: 1) "Thanks I'd hate to miss the view", 2) "Occupational hazard!", and 3) "So what are you guys angling for, life in prison or blaze of glory?". All sarcastic phrases that just remind Smutty how much he hated her dialogue from Superman TAS.

At this point, there is lots of violence going on and the art and character designs are great, so the annoying speaking parts can be overlooked. The art is the most important aspect of any movie to Smutty, and this film comes through with lots of beautiful frames from the ice crystals to the pigs in smallville. Also, the Kandor battle, inside Brainiac's ship, the end battle in the congo or wherever that was supposed to be, and pretty much the entire movie is well-animated. It's traditional animation supplemented by cgi, the way it should be.

I was hoping I could make it through this entire movie without hearing "Really?", "I know right?", or "Yeah Yeah Yeah!". That lasted about 30 minutes when Superman's first spoken words to Brainiac are, "Really? Put yourself in the center of the galaxy. Little ego-centric aren't we?".

It doesn't sound as bad as you would think when he says it. At least not as bad as Supergirl when she says, "They were bullies. Bullies should be punished".

This is another ugly and embarassing attempt to be modern. Thank God, there are no twitter or facebook references. Supergirl does fight North Koreans and mentions Somali warlords.

All things considered, we got off pretty easy. It just makes me wonder though why all productions cannot be made as timeless as Batman TAS. It seems like the dialogue just got worse from there. A little worse in Superman TAS. A lot worse in Batman Beyond and Justice League. These productions should be made to stand for generations, not made to appeal to the douche bags who want Superman to talk like John Cena or Supergirl to chase bullies.

Then, come to the attempts to establish it as an adult movie, with Superman dropping the h-bomb twice (Yes, hell!). Another cringe-worthy moment is when Lois Lane flips Brainiac off. Why oh why? It's not funny, and it denigrates the movie just when you are really starting to respect it.

Those were unnatural forced attempts at making it more "adult-like", but the violence is actually really thrilling and well executed. Humans and aliens die violent deaths and the robots are smashed to pieces. Maybe the single best aspect of this film is that you get to see Superman in all his power and force. That was a critique many had of Superman TAS, and a remedy was attempted in Justice League.

I could not imagine anyone complaining about Superman being too weak in this movie. You can really feel the intensity in the fights with Brainiac and his robot armies.

Brainiac himself is presented strongly as well. He's doing his Unicron-impersonation, consuming worlds (well actually just their knowledge) and then blowing up anything that he doesn't want. And he tells us that he's been doing this for centuries and has done it to thousands of worlds. So, the odds are definitely against Superman but he doesn't blink an eye. Guess he knows the good guys always win in American movies.

All criticism aside, with DC I always liked the intergalactic stories the best, like the Darkseid stories for example. With Marvel, I always preferred the Adam Warlock and Thanos stories. Therefore, this dark Brainiac story arc, adapted from the comics, was a good idea imo.

Smutty gives Superman: Unbound an 8.5 out of 10. Not 9 or 10 because it does not establish a new "world" so to speak of new characters or give us anything really new. It's the same Superman DC universe that we've seen a million times, albeit a really hard-hitting take on it and about the best Superman movie that you could hope for.

Take out a few of the douche-bag phrases and make Lois Lane not act like a whore, and it might even be an 8.75.

Smutty is the author of the best-selling book, 100 Things To Do That Are More Fun Than Sticking Your Dick into a Cigarette Lighter. Abandoned by his mother days after hatching, he has a life goal of making the world feel his pain. Hates faggy sports leagues like the NBA and NFL, likes to bitch-slap liberals, and generally disapproves of feminists and other degenerate bitches.

More articles from Smutty:
June 2018 Has Been LGBT Shame Month!
A Gallery of Liberal Hypocrisy
How Many Women...Died in World War II?
Fat, Tuneless Feminist from Israel Given 2018 Eurovision Win
MEGAVIP: The Irregular at Magic High School (2017)

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