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Smutty Review: Mariah Carey's All I Want for Xmas

Nov 26, 2017 9:54 am
Smutty By Smutty
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Being the family-clown-snake that I am, Smutty is here for you this holiday season to review Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You (2017). A lot of kids will be watching this movie about the old fat lady who is reminiscing about her childhood. It is not that they will know much about Mariah Carey, a washed-up singer whose orgasm-tones pulled the money in for pop songs back in our day.

What will attract today's kids is that it is another cgi (cheaply generated imagery) flick, just like the Pixar ones that they make you pay $15 dollars a ticket for in theatres. This one is a Blu-ray/DVD/Digital release and therefore even more likely to invade your home quickly.

As you might expect, All I Want for Christmas Is You is an egotistical film by the self-obsessed Carey. She has tried this before, with her 2001 film Glitter which bombed at the box office. The film made only $5 million in theatres and has a rating of just 2.2/10 on IMDB.

This time she took what perhaps was a surer path to more money. She cloned the story of the popular Christmas film Elf (2003), substituting an ugly dog named Jack for an ugly actor named Will Ferrell.

The 8-year old version of Mariah Carey is given this unruly stray dog, with her father telling her that, if she demonstrates proper care of him, that he will gift her dream dog "Princess" on Christmas Day. In the five minutes following this, almost all viewers will realize that she is really going to keep Jack, and forgo replacing him with Princess.

However to reach this predictable conclusion, the viewer must endure an hour of American-dog-movie shenanigans. As in Elf, the new friend in question, in this case Jack, creates havoc and tests the patience of his caretaker. Then, just like in that movie, the troublemaker is told to get lost, which he does, before the melodramatic reunion at the end.

The main difference in Carey's new film, and the Elf film that it aims to emulate, is that her film is more disgusting. In at least 20% to 30% of the movie, you feel that defecation from Jack is imminent. It happens a number of times, which I suppose will help it pass the American public acceptance test. Elf only had belches, which is "one leg up" that Carey's movie presumably has on it.

In summary, Carey's movie is another godless commercial production about a holiday intended to commemorate God's entering human flesh to save us from our sins. The main character nearly worships Santa Claus, but no religion is to be found. We can only hope that this crass film will bring the American public the fulfillment that they need (sarcasm).

Smutty is the author of the best-selling book, 100 Things To Do That Are More Fun Than Sticking Your Dick into a Cigarette Lighter. Abandoned by his mother days after hatching, he has a life goal of making the world feel his pain. Hates faggy sports leagues like the NBA and NFL, likes to bitch-slap liberals, and generally disapproves of feminists and other degenerate bitches.

More articles from Smutty:
June 2018 Has Been LGBT Shame Month!
A Gallery of Liberal Hypocrisy
How Many Women...Died in World War II?
Fat, Tuneless Feminist from Israel Given 2018 Eurovision Win
MEGAVIP: The Irregular at Magic High School (2017)

Article Comments 1-1 of 1

Posted by HeadAssClown Dec 09, 2017
09:45:39 am
Too bad Carey did not take the same approach in trying to find a husband. If she did she might not be an old maid. Instead, after divorcing twice, she tried to marry billionaire James Packer but they broke-up before she was able too. I don't think she was trying to find her true love there, unless her true love is money.

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