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Clowntable Discussion: Sports Cards...Got Benoit?

Dec 03, 2013 5:54 pm
HeadAssClown By HeadAssClown
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It's probably easier to find an American kid who's smarter than the average Chinese kid than to find one who collects sports cards these days...and that's saying a lot.

Let's join our panel as they struggle to understand...

The topic of today's Clowntable Discussion is Sports Card Collecting and how this venerable hobby has changed over the years. Let's start by relating our childhood memories.

When I was a young clown-snake in the 80s, you could get a pack of 15 baseball cards and a stick of gum for only 50 cents! Rumor had it that 1 out of every 120 packs had a special Darryl Strawberry insert card with stick of coke!

That's just it Smutters, the cards were very affordable for all kids then someone had the idea of making insert cards and of adding all the foil and stuff to make all the cards extra shiny. So the price per pack shot up (no pun intended) and the kids became gamblers, trying to land that 1 in 300 insert card. Then they could sell it to the local cards dealer for 20 bucks and buy more packs.

The problem is capitalism! Just another wrong they have inflicted on us like Black Friday!

I heard that you got a great deal on your women's clothes on Black Friday so why are you complaining?

Bastian, you have to remember that, all things being equal, $1 today would not buy what 50 cents would buy in 1987. That's not capitalism. That's United States Government-authored inflation. Furthermore, if you compare the value of a dollar today to what it was in the early 70s, it's absolutely ridiculous.

Nevermind! It might surprise you clowns to learn that I collect cards.

Okay, that leads to the next question, what types of cards do you collect today?

I collect cards of all the socially responsible athletes. I have a huge collection of Grant Hill cards as he became my hero after his "Don't say gay, don't ever say gay" commercial!

I think you got that confused with Jim Valvano's Never Give Up speech.

Bastian, I collect cards of football players who have got arrested in domestic disputes, and I have a huge collection of Chris Benoit cards!

Okay but beyond specific players, what types of cards? I mean, insert cards, autographs, Strawberry Shortcake CCG sets, etc?

I collect game-spat-spit authentic memorabilia insert cards of players who have been suspended for steroid abuse.

That's disgusting, as if they don't already have too much testosterone as is! Sports has such a male problem. That's why I collect cards of WNBA players who I can say with at least 90% certainty that they are lesbians.

I used to collect autographs and rare inserts, but Ebay and changing culture reduced the trade value of these cards so much that it's really no use, unless you just want to keep them forever for yourself. Also, with the recent developments in the NBA, I feel ashamed that I ever valued the signature of any NBA player, even in my youth.

I'm sure that many of us recall that the old skool card sets included every player and every coach, reaching yearly totals of 800+ cards in baseball. The recent trend has been against this. Your thoughts?

Last year, the NBA Hoops set had a card of Miami Heat coach Erik Spoelstra. I think that alone proves that you should not make cards of coaches.

Can you imagine some poor kid getting that card or, even worse, asking him to sign it? It would mentally scar them for life, and they will probably kill themselves when they get older and realize how gay that was.

I think Coach Spoel is off the chain. He just goes to show that us Twitter guys can one day be an NBA Coach if we study video games enough!

Well that's all for today, and remember kids, life sucks...Typhoon Haiyan killed thousands of people in the Philippines, and undoubtedly many beautiful ladies, but Spoelstra is living in the U.S. and healthy as a horse.

HeadAssClown is the mastermind behind the Brood Of Clowns circus. He created BOC as an alternative for people who aren't douche bags and dislike the typical stupid trash culture. In his free time, he enjoys reading, long walks on the beach, and asian pornography. He has had sex with over 300 women and at least 50 snakes.

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